Why I Will Never Be A Drug Addict

This past week, I survived what I like to call Sick Panda Station.  Couldn't breathe, superfever, coughing, congestion, runny nose, sore throat - the works!  I stayed in bed for a straight five days.  Sunlight, what's sunlight?  I'm pretty sure that my skin has surpassed the scientific definition of Ghostly White, and my raccoon eyes are definitive award-winners.  I watched so many episodes of Real Housewives that I could write an in-depth psychoanalysis of each crazy, crazy lady. (SIDEBAR: Lisa Vanderpump has the best name in Real Housewives history fo' sho')  This is the sickest I've been in several years.  YEARS!!!

The fever component of Sick Panda Station kicked in on the second day, and I figured that was my cue to get my booty to the doctor.  FUN FACT: They were playing Herbie in the waiting room.  If that isn't exciting, I don't know what is - it made me happy in my little diseased heart...

Anywho, a nurse finally called my name and I headed back to the examining room (I hate that phrase but whatever - THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED.)  Another 45 minutes later, I hobbled out with prescriptions: antibiotics to kill my infection and Ambien to help me sleep.

Now here's something you should know - I don't really take a lot of medicine.  I am more prone to deal with aches and pains, rather than to pop Advil.  I appreciate modern medicine; I just don't feel the need to continuously be putting it in my body unless I'm REALLY feeling The Hurt.  

Some people might be excited to be prescribed Ambien.  Not only does it helps sick pandas such as myself get some rest... but others find it a fun kind of sleep.  There are all kinds of dumb people who abuse it because it's supposedly fun.  As for me, I was skeptical.  See, any time I get prescribed the "fun" medicines.... they tend to NOT work on me.  Boring medicines?  Sure!!  Fun medicines?? No go.  A few years ago, I was in a car accident and walked away with whiplash.  The doctor prescribed Vicodin, Valium, and prescription-grade Ibuprofen.  You'd think I'd be high as a kite and blissfully unaware of my injuries, right?  Um no.  I might as well have popped that Advil.  Why do people get all excited over Vicodin and Valium?  Highly overrated.

Aaaaaaaaaand you can add Ambien to my list of supposedly fun drugs that have zero effect on me.  It hasn't helped me get to sleep any faster - the only change is that now I dream about blue dinosaurs and clowns.  If that's what all the druggo kids are talking about.... they're even dumber than I thought.

I must say, now I'm nervous for [someday in the future] when I'm giving birth and begging for drugs, only to find they do me NO good.  Apparently, I am the most straight arrow person on the face of the planet, and even if I wasn't, my body wouldn't cooperate.  They're probably going to have to shoot me full of horse tranquilizers, and even then I'll probably still be in pain.

And that's why I will never be a drug addict.  :D