Sex God C9: Whoopee Forever

*This blog is hosting an online book club featuring the book Sex God, by Rob Bell, with discussions that post about once weekly.  This post refers to Chapta' 9!

Well hello, Chapter 9!  It's taken me awhile to get here.  :)  This last chapter was a bit abstract.  I started writing up the C9 post last week, but I needed more time to chew on it.  Definitely woo-woo.

The first part of the chapter talks about how - referring to being single or married - neither path is preferable, actually leaning slightly towards being single.  Well, we all knew that.  There are pros and cons to both lifestyles.

On page 165, Rob Bell starts a conversation about how light exposes things and shows them as they really are.  I love this:

"Light is freedom.  There is nothing to fear because everything is shown to be exactly what it is." (p166)

Also...

"For many people, sex is brief moments when everything is okay with the world, even if it isn't.  It's escape from the pain and suffering and brokeness of life.  It's a short time when all is right, even if lots of things around us are falling apart... We find sex so powerful because it provides people with glimpses into the world we all so desperately desire but can't seem to create on our own." (p167)

I find the juxtaposition of those two quotes interesting.  Of course, this is just my viewpoint, but I think sex often falls in line with one of those two quotes.  Either sex is a part of a truthful, naked, intimate world - or it's a part of a shadowland, as much of a sad place as it is a reprieve.  To me, this is a good thing to be aware of.

The chapter goes on to discuss a first century era journey to the altar.  Once a couple is engaged; the groom begins to build their home.  His father oversees and approves the work.  Often, the groom is adding an addition to his family's already existing home, a multi-generational dwelling.  The bride is at her home, learning to run a household.  (Hey, this is first century we're talking about here!)  She doesn't know when they'll be ready to wed either, but each night she leaves a lit oil lamp in her window, so he knows which room is hers.

Finally, one day, the father tells his son that it's time, and the groom sets off to pick up his bride.  There's a giant procession, followed by a wedding, followed by a great celebration.  Both have prepared themselves for this day. 

I think this is a good metaphor for you engaged peeps!  (or if you intend to marry someday.)  You [hopefully] don't just show up at the wedding ceremony unprepared.  Good metaphor for life in general, I think.

***EPILOGUE***

99 Red Balloons!Bell finishes Sex God with this story...  He talks about a couple he married in a wedding ceremony that included a pretty amazing ritual.  The ceremony took place in a park, and midceremony, the bride and groom walked alone into an adjoining field and released a set of balloons.  These balloons represented past regrets, relationships, mistakes.  This was a private moment. 

Several years later, that couple divorced.

Bell says he uses this story to illustrate that life is sometimes gut-wrenching.  Sometimes things fall apart.  He then talks about how we can recover in the face of horrible things.  For me, I agree with him, to a point.  For tragedies such as divorce, etc., yes, but there ARE some things that people don't always fully recover from: abuse, etc. 

I really loved this book - I think it's great for someone with a normal, everyday existence - some of his assumptions seemed a little too wrapped up in a neat bow for those headier life experiences - for instance, the "everyone can recover from anything" bit.

For ME, this book was excellent. This book gave me some hope.  Six months after my life was seemingly ruined by a person I no longer recognized, I see a purpose in it.  You know in The Matrix where Neo could either take the pill that would put him back to sleep, or he could swallow the pill that would irrevokably open his eyes?  That's how I feel.  I will never see relationships in the same way again (positively!)  I feel like I have been catapulted into a new sphere of awareness, and for that, I'm thankful. 

What was your favorite part of Sex God?

For all of YOU, I hope you enjoyed this book as much as I did!  I may do this again if I find another book I think is really great.  If anyone has a book they'd recommend for our lil book club, email me or comment below!

XOXO,

Penny

Sex God C8: Johnny and June

This week, Chapter Eight is all about marriages that move, the kind of relationships that have legs - the couple is eighty years old and still getting to know each other.  That's kind of awesome, right? 

I extend this to my family and friends even.  My sister Tweets is probably the person who knows me best out of anyone.  We shared a room growing up and shared uncountable fun times, secrets, tears, laughs, milestones, trials and tribulations.  We have each had a couple significant boytoys (Tweets is off the market now!  Hi, James!)  and of course those boyfriends knew us in a totally different way than anybody else possible could, but I think the principle still applies...  How long does it take to truly know someone? Hopefully, a lifetime. :)

In the first section, Bell talks about the idea of partners in a relationship being strong where the other is weak.  I see his reasoning, but I actually disagree a bit.  This works when the two partners are relatively healthy - one person can't be leaning too hard on the other person for a long period of time.  Here is a scenario that was described to me, and something I found helpful: When two damaged people are in a relationship, they are like two flamingos, leaning on each other and fighting to stay balanced so that no one tips over.  When two healthy people are in a relationship, they can hold hands and stand securely.

Bell also talks about how if a couple decides to get married, they are forming a NEW family and their families of origin become secondary.  How many marriages do you know that are fraught with in-law drama?  On the inside of a marriage, I think the two people involved need to respect that the good of their family comes first - conversely the families have to respect that as well.  This doesn't mean shutting the family of origin OUT, it just means not allowing in-law drama to consume and negatively affect the marriage.  Easier said than done, in some cases.  I think a fair number of husbands and wives would say that they feel that everyone else is more important to their partner - that they don't feel #1.  Their partner puts work first, puts friends first, puts themselves first, puts other family members first.... the partner gets taken for granted.  After all, they'll be at home waiting! :/  Interesting.

I really love THIS QUOTE from Chapter eight:

"We want someone to see us exactly as we are and still love us... What would it be like to be with someone who loves you exactly as you are?" (p155)

Why is that so scary?  Well, sometimes we have really scary things to tell other people.  Sometimes we're insecure.  Sometimes we're in denial.  I love that feeling though.  There are definitely a few people in the world that know everything about me, and they still love me.  I have also had experiences where my besties have had or created horrible things in their lives, and you know what?  I just loved them even more.  When someone loves you, really loves you, they love you even when you are making big mistakes.  It's true!  (Love meaning "Hey, bud, you have problems you need to work on, but I will be here to support you while you work on them.")

He also talks about how marriage is a window to something greater - that through marriage you can see a growing, harmonious, sacred world.  I like that thought, too.

The last thing I want to talk about is the deeper level of being loved exactly as you are...  Bell sums it up well (I though so, anyway!) by talking about how it's easy for people to take their clothes off and have sex, that people do it all the time.  However, it's so much harder to actually open your soul to someone, to share hopes, dreams, fears, weaknesses, good and bad - it's a different kind of love/sex/connection, which is why when people rush into sex, that's rushing ahead of the progression of connecting to someone.  People do it all the time, but that's not truly connecting, being truly naked in front of someone.  It's apples and oranges!  And if we understand that we are mirrors of God, infinite in depth... we understand that it truly takes a lifetime to get to know someone. 

I think that's kinda neat.

Weekly Practice: Hmmmm, I think that this week, I want to pay attention to who I am leaning on too much, who's leaning on me too much, and who I stand securely with.  I don't want to be a flamingo!  Well, maybe a pink, sparkly flamingo - that wouldn't be too bad.  :)

QUESTIONS:

• Is there lots to get to know about yourself?  Do you have lots to learn about your partner?  Are you interested in learning those things?
• Do you take your relationship for granted?
• If marriage is a window to God, what would people see through the window of your relationship?
• Taking into account the definition of initmacy above, has anyone ever seen you totally naked? Why or why not?
• Are your sex life and your emotional life in sync?
• And finally, does anyone want to bring me a soda?  Because I am fully parched over here.  :) (cough, cough)

Sex God C7: Under the Chuppah

*This blog is hosting an online book club featuring the book Sex God, by Rob Bell, with discussions that post about once weekly.  This post refers to Chapta' 7!

I love this chapter - a chapter about who gets to participate in your marriage.  I was extremely lucky to grow up with two parents that loved each other, with clear and strict boundaries.  I count myself extraordinarily lucky that I never had to deal with a home that housed porn or extramarital relationships, etc.  As I grow older, I find how rare that type of mindset is.  Our family definitely isn't perfect (whose is?) but this is an area I have always been clear on.  My parents did a fantastic job of teaching us kids that the only people, real or imaginary, that you let into your relationship are you and your partner.

I will say I have never read the sacredness of marriage in such a beautiful way as Bell lays out in Chapter 7.  It makes me want to convert to Judaism, which includes so many amazingly incredible and poignant rituals.

Bell starts by not-so-subtly referencing Jessica Simpson's and Nick Lachey's participation in the wildly "successful" Newlyweds.  They let EVERYONE into their marriage, including me, who watched every episode with my roomies, a Coke, and popcorn.  We all know how that turned out.

Bell continues by turning to how God brought the Hebrew slaves out of Egypt so long ago with a promise to make them his chosen people, his bride.  If you aren't familiar with the story, shortly thereafter, his people found their new relationship with God to be pretty difficult out in the desert, and they"cheated" by taking on other gods, splitting their focus from the one to whom they promised themselves.  Bell frames it as they broke God's heart, and then spent the next 40 years in a desolate exile.

"This was supposed to be a beautiful thing, but the people haven't been faithful.  They've broken God's heart." (p134)

He also talks about how a marriage is sacred and holy, that the glory of God rests on it.  The marriage chuppah is for the bride and groom only, covered by God.  This illustrates how incredibly, INCREDIBLY, the marriage covenant must be respected and protected, in all ways.  You can't just be invitin' everybody in willy nilly!

In the ancient world, you weren't married until the marriage was consummated, and that marriage got consummated immediately after the ceremony... with everyone hanging outside the tent, and the open bar didn't open til the new couple emerged (the pressure!)  Ummmm, I would not like that.  In ancient times, my ass would have stayed an old maid just to avoid the scrutiny!

Creepy yes, but this facet to ancient Hebrew weddings serves to show how central a sexual relationship is to marriage.  Choosing to embark on a sexual relationship IS actually an important decision.  In God's eyes, you are choosing that person in marriage (how's that for heavy!)  Not that we all follow that thought, but it's good to be aware.  :) 

In the world around us, sex gets pulled out from under the marriage chuppah all the time: movies, pictures, adultery, etc.  That's not where it belongs or works the best (not by a long shot.)  In marriage the exclusivity is what says "I choose you."

"We have to be very careful about what we share.  Because when you give it away, you no longer have it." (p139)

Weekly Practice:  I am by no means married, but I am going to think about who I am allowing myself to be close to... friends, colleagues, etc. 

QUESTIONS:

*I use the word "partner" because many longterm gay couples are not ALLOWED to marry in the U.S., and I think they should have a voice in this discussion.  As you might guess, I am 150% pro gay-marriage.

• Who is under the chuppah?  Is it crowded or lonely?  Is your partner underneath that canopy with you?
• Would you describe marriage as sacred or as a covenant?  What words would you choose?
• Do you feel you value and respect what sex is?  If not, how do you see sex differently?
• Is your relationship between you and your partner, or between you, your partner, and lots o' other people?
• Do you tell negative jokes about your partner?  Are they really jokes?
• Why did you choose your partner? 
• Is your marriage underneath a chuppah, or is it just a sheet on four sticks?

Sex God C6: Worth Dying For

C'mon, it's funny! :)I've started and stopped this blog entry a multitude of times... mainly because the subject matter of Chapter 6 is complicated and a bit of a hot button issue - in religious circles anyway. 

Submission in marriage.  Am I married?  Heck, no.  Will I be married someday?  We'll see.  Since most people DO get married, this is a valuable discussion topic!

Many Christian churches teach that, in marriage, women are to submit to their husbands.  People argue, get offended, get all riled up over this subject!  For me, I have never subscribed to the thought that men are "in charge" of a household.  I DO believe that it is VITAL that the patriarch of the family be a LEADER, however.  A family cannot be successful if the father is off cheating on his wife, yelling at his kids, or playing the part of a deadbeat.  I think we can all agree that the lack of Fatherhood has been devastating for many families and even entire communities in this country.  It's a Dime Store way of life..

I will sometimes hear rebuttals from pulpits on the female submission debate: I hear things like "In the end, the husband gets the final say," etc.  Well, ok.  (?)  The reasoning always sounded super-hollow to me.  I always felt that the preacher/pastor was grasping at straws a  bit.  You have to give me a good reason why the husband is more qualified to be Mr. Decision-maker than me.  Why can't we be partners, with mutual respect for each other's reasoning?

Chapter 6 in Sex God is the first time I've read this topic in a way that I can get behind.  Not that I agree with everything, but there are a lot of valuable insights to consider and work through.

Rob Bell starts off the chapter by writing how overwhelming it can be when we hear stories of incredible courage.... a friend giving his life to save his buddy, parents dying to save their children, firefighters and cops giving their lives to save complete strangers.  Universally, we tear up when we hear about these things.  It's the ultimate act of love.  People are worth dying for, according to Bell.

He then relates this principle to marriage.  He bases Chapter 6 on Ephesians 5:21+

"Submit to one another out of reverance to Christ.  Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Everyone is commanded to submit to each other in the church community.  Give of your time, your love, your hope, your help.  Women aren't commanded to do anything more than what's demanded of EVERYONE.  Men have the extra onus of being willing to die to themselves for their wife.

I do love when Bell talks about different couples he has counseled.  He says that in certain situations, the husband will be angry that his wife "just won't submit to me" or "who makes the final decisions when 'push comes to shove?'"  Bell wants to know, "Well, are YOU willing to die to yourself and submit to her?"  and "WHY has your relationship devolved into 'push comes to shove'?"

Here's something I really love from the chapter on this subject:

"In a marriage, you're talking about power and control only when something central to the whole relationship has fallen apart...I am my beloved's and my beloved's is mine." (p.118)

Bell also discusses how we, as women, can sometimes relate to others in a negative sexual way.  We all know we are more likely to get what we want by bartering our hearts and bodies.  Unfortunately, any American woman is well-aware of this.  Some of us are very careful to avoid this; some of us live our lives as a constant negotiation.  He talks about how sex can become about need, a search to fulfill something that is missing.

That's not what sex - in its happiest, most fulfilling form - is about.  Sex out of need or negotiation is never very satisfying, hopeful, or really all that fun.  (Some of you may disagree on that, of course!)  He brings up a good foundational life truth: If you value and love yourself, realizing your limitless value, it will affect every area of your life, especially your relationship with men.  Bell then moves on to encourage women to ask themselves many questions about their current relationship, mainly "Does he have liquid agape [love] running through his veins?" (p.125)

He gets a bit cheesy and says "When a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower." (p.125)  Cheesy, but telling. 

Weekly Practice:  I am going to be aware of submitting to those around me, while maintaining healthy consideration of myself... because submitting doesn't mean hurting yourself!

QUESTIONS:

• Does the word "submission" make you mad?  Why, exactly?
• Does your relationship involve power games?
• Does "push come to shove" in your relationship?
• What kind of person are you dating?  Does he/she serve, or are they waiting to be served?  What about you?
• Do you or your partner believe you are owed something?  Or are you both out to see what you can give?  Do you actively try to make the world, and your relationship, a better place?
• What do you and your partner expect of each other?  Do you expect agape love, or do you expect a roster of rules and "services"?
• Can you tell each other everything?  Do you feel safe?  Are you both trustworthy?
• Are you being loved well?  And are you loving well?

Sex God C5: She Ran into the Girls' Bathroom

This chapter is all about how love requires risk, and that risk can bite us in the butt sometimes (boy, don't we all know THAT!)  Heartbreak is as old as the creation of the universe.  It's something that evey human experiences at least once (at. least.) and an emotion that God shares with us.  He gets rejected all of the time! 

True love is giving.  Love isn't selfish.  We consider our partner, want to further them, encourage them, support them.  We expect that same kind of love in return.  If these things aren't present (on both sides) then this isn't love - it's using and abusing. 

I love his writing on how there is a Strength that is a Weakness, and a Weakness that is a Strength.  He uses the belligerant father as an example.  He *seems* strong, but he really isn't.  He isn't strong enough to love his family the way they deserve, and the way that HE deserves.  Harking back to the beginning of this book, when we mistreat others, we also mistreat and disrespect ourselves.

Also, what about the person who returns cruelty with kindness?  We all know that responding to a jerk with love is nothing short of a superhuman feat!  Kindness under adversity takes a great deal of strength and fortitude. Loving your enemy is tough. By this, I don't mean staying with an abuser, I mean that sometimes, loving YOURSELF and others means letting them go.  This also applies to that mean person sitting next to you on the bus.

In the world's eyes, Ghandi was a weak man, but look at all he accomplished simply by the strength of his convictions.  No guns, no derision, only integrity.  The world had no choice but to listen.

Bell ends with recovery in the face of heartbreak.  The true tragedy would be if we allowed a traumatic breakup to build a wall around our heart.  The failure would be in allowing our heart to darken and die, becoming someone incapable of truly loving ourselves and the world around us.

Well said!

WEEKLY PRACTICE:

Can I continue to give to myself and others around me, even after I have been burned by a difficult relationship?

QUESTIONS:

• Am I afraid to risk in love?
• Can I commit to my partner?
• Do I feel safe committing to my partner?
• Is my partner committing to me?
• Do we respect each other?
• Do I allow my past experiences to ruin my present?
• Do I experience self-inflicted loneliness?