Adoption: Yea or Nay?

Answer: Both are true!  (if you're a fan, you know this is the Muppet way.)  :)

For some reason, lately I have been having umpteen conversations with friends and acquaintances regarding adoption.  For those of you who are new-to-me, I am from a family of 22 kids, 12 of whom are through adoption.  Some were adopted as babies, others were as old as 16.  All are disabled - mentally, physically, sometimes both.  Some had horrifically horrible birthparents; other had birthparents who loved their child, but were unprepared to parent a disabled child.  A few have serious emotional problems.  My siblings are all races and many nationalities.

As you might guess, people who are looking to adopt often ask my family for advice.  I hope this blog post helps those of you that are mulling over whether adoption is for you.

I am 110,000% pro-adoption... with a caveat: Firstly, you must inform yourself as to the many types of adoption opportunities are out there, and secondly....you must carefully consider what KIND of adoption is right for your family.   Don't rely on social workers for your info; they are often overworked and underpaid - talk to other adoptive families.

My family started out adopting babies with somewhat minor disabilities.  My first brother was adopted as a little bebe when I was 5 years old.  When my parents went to court to finalize the adoption, the judge asked them if they were aware of my brother's physical problems.  They looked at each other highly confused, at which point the judge peered over his bifocals and said "You ARE aware he has Down's Syndrome, right?"  My Dad responded, sheepish, "OH, yes, yes, we know about that."

As my parents grew older and more capable of dealing with serious problems (trust me, Down's Syndrome is a cakewalk)... we have many mild to serious variations of Cerebral Palsy, Down's Syndrome, deafness, blindness, developmental disabilities, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Effect, drug and physical abuse-affected siblings - in varying combinations.

There are SO MANY ways to adopt!  You can choose to adopt a newborn from healthy or unhealthy birthparents.  You can adopt an older child.  You can adopt a child with mental or physical disabilities.  You can adopt a child with emotional problems.  Each kind presents its own set of challenges.  Not every person is cut out to parent every child that is available for adoption.  In fact, I'd say adopting can often be more difficult than biological parenting due to the emotional factors that are often involved.

For younger couples, adopting a baby tends to be the best choice.  Older couples with grown children can be the best parents for children with severe emotional problems, understanding that that child may never overcome their emotional issues. 

I recently shared a meal with a friend of mine who had considered adoption with her husband, but he felt that at this time, it wasn't the right choice for their family.  She has had to hear a few remarks from others - things like "Why wouldn't you adopt when so many children languish in foster care?" 

Here's why: Adopting truly is not the right choice for every family.  Parenting a child with emotional or physical issues is difficult, sometimes more difficult than you can POSSIBLY imagine, and not everybody is the right kind of person to deal with that.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Everyone is gifted in different areas.  My parents ARE the right kind of people to deal with super-tough adoptions, but most aren't.  Adoptions DO fail, usually because the adoptive parents were naive.  Choosing to adopt a child with emotional problems, especially if you have young children already in the home, can even be dangerous.  Can you imagine the devastation inflicted on an adopted child who has now been rejected TWICE+?  Failed adoptions are excruciating for all involved.

Here are some things to think about when deciding how and why to adopt, especially when considering adopting an older child or a child with disabilities:

• Do you understand that love is NOT enough when parenting any child with issues of any sort?
• Have you taken the time to fully research any physical or mental disabilities that your child deals with?  Can you adequately support that child's needs medically, educationally, socially?
• Do you understand that adding a child to your family with emotional issues may be dangerous to other family members?  Have you taken adequate precautions to create a safe environment?
• Can you support a child who may never live independently?  How do your other children feel about that, knowing that they will take over care once you pass away? 
• As a family, are you in agreement that adoption is the right choice for you?  (This includes your other kids!)  If ANY member of your family is hesitant, DON'T do it.  Choosing to adopt affects the entire family, not just the parents.  Don't guilt any member of your family into adopting if they don't have a peace about it.
• Do you understand that your new son or daughter may hate your guts and act out in unbelievable ways for months, years, a lifetime even?

Choosing to adopt is a serious decision - don't do it if every member of your family isn't ready.  80% of the time, adopting is not easy.  For a young couple, I would recommend adopting a baby from a healthy birthmother - older couples with grown/almost-grown children are MUCH better prepared for older children with emotional issues.  If you are considering a child with a disability, be realistic about whether you can deal with the specific issues at hand.

This post is NOT intended to deter you from adoption.  It's intended to inform you and get you thinking.  Growing up, I can't tell you how many people called my parents saints, etc.  Gag me with a spoon!  My parents hate that.  What, are my siblings SUCH a burden?  Why would you say something like that?

Adoption is just another way to add to your family.  If anybody's lucky, it's the adoptive family.  When you are READY; when you have carefully considered all the parameters - I cannot recommend adoption enough.  I can't imagine my life without any one of my wonderful siblings.  Things have not always been easy - but, when done right, adoption can teach you more about life and love than you ever thought possible... IF YOU ARE READY.

• Are you considering adopting?  What are questions or thoughts that you have on the matter? 
• Have you already adopted?  Any advice, questions, or thoughts to offer?