Angry Days, Happy Days
Monday, March 7, 2011 at 7:00AM The angry days. Anyone who's ever been in a romantic relationship of over a year knows what I mean - the days when you and your partner kind of want to deck each other:
Fighting used to feel like a bad sign to me. Like an omen that my relationship was doomed. Bossyboots and I rarely fight, but it does happen (because we're normal!)
Last year, I read Freedom, by Jonathan Franzen. There were about 8,000 things in that book that were amazing, but one scene really hit home to me. There's a section where a mother is questioning her son about his relationship with his girlfriend. She asks (paraphrased) "Do you guys fight?" She goes on to explain that if they never fight, that means they aren't being real with each other; they're living in fantasy land. Being real and genuine means fighting sometimes.
That idea stuck with me, and I love it. Often, I think some of us don't say what we really feel (expressed with love!) Sometimes my efforts to be respectful of others' opinions/feelings means I overly squelch my own. And I know I want to know what my partner really wants - I don't need him to agree with me on everything. If Bossyboots and I agreed on everything... how would we grow? Part of why I believe in marriage isn't just for the cuddles, legal benefits, or tax breaks - it's because a valuable partnership is challenging.
Obviously the kind of fighting that involves name-calling or craziness is no bueno, and it's not good to always be fighting, but... a reasonable amount of fighting is nothing to be afraid of. In fact, maybe it's a good thing. It means we love each other for who we really are.
Love and Relationships
Reader Comments (3)
Well said!
My husband's parents insist that they never fight and it gave him this false perception that people who fight aren't happily married. I kind of hate that they gave him such unrealistic expectations of what makes a good marriage.
This is so true! I have really had to learn how to fight with my husband--I come from a family that rarely fights (and when we do, it is the culminating of a lot of huffing and puffing and silent treatment) while his (E. European) family is the type to blow up first, calmly talk second. Although it is still against my instinct to have blow-out huge fights, I love that we fight it out quickly (if loudly) and don'd hold grudges over time. It frustrates me that as a culture, fighting is taboo, yet one of the key ways I realized that hubs was "the one" was because we had a big fight and afterwards I didn't want to throw in the towel--we actually grew closer because of it.