Girl Crush
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 at 7:00AM 
I'm a fan of having girlyfriends; I've usually had at least a few besties at any given time. For a minute, in college, I used that oft-repeated mantra: "I don't like to be friends with girls - too much drama." Sista, puh-LEASE. I wish I could go back in time and laugh at myself. Most of the time, us ladies who say that were just painfully immature at the time. Thankfully, I think we all grow out of that silly phase by some merciful age.
When I think back over my best gals, I remember... my very first best friend. Her name was September, and we met in first grade. We had slumber parties, chased boys, ate candy, rode our trykes. Then there was Autumn, who was my bestie from third grade up until we lost track of each other midway through college. However, we recently refound each other on Facebook, which was a mid-year Christmas present. When I was a wee lass, I truly had the best friends anybody could hope for.
After Autumn, my friend-choosing skillz took a nose dive. I had a best friend in college, but she did a ton of taking, and not a lot of giving. I was aware that she was not the best friend ever, but she was my good buddy, so I was forgiving of her failings. Then, after eight years of being best friends, she just dropped off the planet. For no reason I could deduce, she stopped returning my phone calls - it was like she had fallen into a black hole.
For awhile I was worried that something awful had happened to her... but then I realized she was just being a jerk and I stopped trying. She had a history of dropping people with no warning, and now it was apparently my turn. Once in awhile - for reasons I don't understand - she contacts me to try to say hello. The first time she emailed me was three years after she dropped me. I don't write her back because.... if it takes you three years to respond to my innumerable concerned messages.... that's three years too long. When she first disappeared, I thought she was helpless in a hospital, for Pete's sake!!! Unless you are offering the biggest apology ever, trying to gloss things over is just asking way too much.
After this, I had another not-quite-best-friend that was clearly displeased with me because she was constantly losing her temper with me, but would never 'fess up when I asked what was wrong - even if I asked her straight out. I'd invite her out to dinner, try to talk to her - nothing. I finally gave up because I was tired of the rejection. If someone is really your friend, don't you think they'd tell you what was up?
Now, I have a few best girlfriends. And really - they're the grownup sort of girlfriends, which are the best sort to have. I've been blessed to have great girlfriends through my life, and I accept the less-than-great friends for what they were: learning experiences. I know that when someone is your friend, your TRUE friend, they will tell you the truth. If they're frustrated or angry with you, they'll let you know. And if they love you, they'll make sure you know that they love you in the midst of any sort of rough patch. That's what true friendship is.
What about you? Have you met a few pitfalls yourself in Girlworld?
Reader Comments (16)
In 6th grade my best friend throughout elementary school decided I wasn't cool enough and told all of our friends in common to stop speaking to me. So I am in fact one of those people that does not seek out female relationships. I love my WB friends, but if we were all in a room together, I would totally shut down. Cannot handle large groups of women -- pretty much paralyzing fear!
I've never been good at making or keeping friends. I had the best friends in the world in college, and I've only kept in touch with one of them since graduation. I have several good girlfriends now, but I kind of fell into the group. They have all been friends since high school and my husband and I became couple friends with one of the girls and her husband, so it just naturally happened. I really only have three friends that date back more than 5 years and they live in different states. I love them so much because we can not talk for months, but when we do get together, it's like there was no time missed at all.
My really good friends are women I met in college and beyond. My best friend and I lived next door to each other in the dorms my freshman yer.
Prior to that I ahve had a number of up and downs, I used to get rejected by girls when the "popular girls" would shine a lgiht on them. In High School, I was dumped by my two good friends when Iw as going though a very stressful family issue. Right now, I feel like a third wheel in a the midst of a friend ship where I introduced the two and now they hang out all the time and exclude me.
I crave friends but find them hard to make.
Reading you guys' responses is driving home to me how much our girlfriends' jabs hurt. It's almost one of those things we don't talk about too much. I know for me, it's embarassing to admit that some of my best girlfriends of the past tossed me aside, like I wasn't good enough for them. I think best friend breakups can be tough to "get over"!
Went through a similar thing with a girl I considered my best friend for years and years. When I told her my now husband and I were planning on getting married, she flipped out at me and told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore if I was just going to be a lame housewife. Really unimpressed.
Anyway, I am of the same belief you are - if you are friends you should be honest and stick by your friend in good times and bad.
So I'm going to admit something that I hate talking about: when I was in 5th grade, I was that bitch who stopped talking to a friend because I was afraid she wasn't "cool" enough. Actually, of course, she was a really nice girl and I still hear about how she is today. I apologized to her a few years later (we went to different middle & high schools) and I still hear about her, but it makes me sad that my mean actions ruined what was a potentially good friendship.
Since then, I've been really careful to be a giving friend. Sometimes it hasn't worked out in my favor. The girl that I was really close friends with in high school ended up moving on to a new crowd of friends, but my core group of friends stuck with me. Unfortunately they didn't really stick with each other, so I feel like I have a lot of individual friends and not really a group that gets together.
i have a couple girl friends that have really redeemed my drama-filled girl friendships of high school and college.
I still have a hard time with this, because I wish a group of girls could be as at ease, loyal, and fun as it seems E and his friends are with each other.
In general I jump into friendships easier and then regret it either because I'm not really compatible with the girl or because she is a poor friend. E takes a long time to make friends and they last much longer.
i think we need to value girl friendships more though!
Ughh... girlfriends can be tough sometimes! My previous bestie was someone I met at my college freshman orientation. We were BFFs for almost 10 years and we went through a lot together. But like you said about your friend, she was a taker and not a giver... it was ALL. ABOUT. HER. But similar to you, she was my buddy so I forgave her failings as well. But eventually it really took a toll on me that she kept taking and taking, and often made me feel bad about myself to a point where she would make me cry (fairly regularly). She knew how to be mean and hit me where it hurt emotionally.
So I dropped her. I wrote her a long email (lame, I know) with all the things I was feeling and basically said that I couldn't take it anymore. This was back in the fall of 2008, and luckily, she had moved away the year before so that made it infinitely easier to let go. We didn't talk for about 14 months, although I have to admit that I thought about her every, single day during that 14 months. 10 years of friendship = a lot of memories.
Eventually, 14 months of silence later, she wrote me an email saying that she was coming to visit and would I consider seeing her? I gave in and said yes... and when she walked through my front door, we both started bawling. It was quite dramatic. We vowed to become BFFs again, but about 6 -8 months after our reconciliation, neither of us have really tried. Ughh, what can you do. When you grow apart, it's difficult. Geez, sorry for the sob story here, haha!
Penny you took the post right out of my head. I am having the "is clearly mad at me but won't say anything about why" moment with my longest term bestie. It's sad, but this post is empowering me to move on! Thanks! <3
When I was reading your post I was thinking about the Autumn in my life. We've been on and off friends since 6th grade and it wasn't until about a year or so ago I realized who she was. It was the last time she'd decided she had a better friend than me that I decided I didn't need her in my life. It amazes me that is took me this long to realize that when I've cut other women out of my life for similar reasons. I guess some girl friends are harder to get over ;-)
Anywhoodle, I love this post. As I've gotten older I've learned my true friends, how to be a true friend and how valuable my girlfriends are. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that had bad friends before :)
Thanks everyone for your comments! Just want to make it VERY clear that my Autumn was my childhood best friend and was/is an A+ bestie - My unnamed college best friend is the one that was a major "learning experience"!
Oh, girlfriends. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.
My oldest friend grew up across the street from me. We had a tumultuous friendship when we were kids. We'd be getting along perfectly for months -- so much so that we'd hang out ALLLLL the time... leading us to get sick of each other and drop each other for like 6 months. We always seemed to somehow pick up where we left off without awkwardness (I guess we'd just realize we missed each other), but it was a continuing cycle throughout our youth. Thankfully, we are now much less dramatic adults and we still keep in touch regularly. (She sang at my wedding!) She has a husband and two children and they live just 10 minutes away, and we all get together occasionally to catch up. We'll never quite be "besties" again, though -- I think we learned that our friendship works best when there are boundaries and space.
I have a few other close girlfriends now, a few of whom I've known since I was pretty young, but friendship is just so different now. I hardly ever call my friends on the phone just to talk. Come to think of it -- I hardly even call them when I DO have a reason. We're more likely to email each other. I love my close friends and have really managed to surround myself with some amazing drama-free women, but I do often miss the days of chatting with my friends on the phone for no reason at all or seeing each other all the time. My husband is my best friend now, but sometimes I wish I had that awesome next door neighbor girlfriend with whom I could spontaneously share some wine on a random weeknight.
ugh, I've never been good at making best girlfriends. I really do think that girls are drama a lot of the time. They are just too gossipy for me. And they make me feel rejected all the time. I guess I have a couple of friends, but one of them doesn't talk to me much anymore. One of them is a friend from high school. The other one is my cousin and probably my bestest friend. She's like a sister to me.
Wow I know it sounds silly but I kinda thought I was an odd ball on this one.
I had a friend that was a taker too. When I got engaged she said "well you beat me" I wasn't aware we were racing. She planned her wedding a week before mine in another state then told me to "let her know if I could go to hers then she'd let me know if she could make it to mine" I released her of her bridesmaid duty.
I dropped her... well okay I first told her how selfish I thought she was. But after about a year and a half of not talking I emailed her. Not like it used to be but well there's peace there.
I don't have a friend right now that I can just hang out with all the time. It's been hard for me to make girlfriends.
I feel somewhat re-assured that I'm not the only one, although it sucks that there are so many who have experienced this. I had shied away from having close girl friends the past....15 years, perhaps? I've been burned multiple times by friends who either fell off the face of the earth, started ignoring me and hanging out with others for no reason, or being outright mean. I only recently developed closer friendships with other women, but it took a lot of faith and getting over the past!
Wow, you have no idea how close this is hitting to home right now. In the past year I reconnected with a friend from high school. We lost touch during college. We've gone out a few times with another girl friend, and sometimes it was just the two of us. I thought we got along great, had similar interests and personalities, and we usually kept the conversations light so it's not like I was a sob story when we'd get together. I sent an evite to about 12 people for a small dinner party at our house, including to this friend. Then I found out she de-friended me on Facebook without warning. I know it was intentional, but I've been wracking my brain for the past few days as to what I did wrong. I honestly have no idea why! I'm not a flake, I'm upbeat and a pretty thoughtful person (homemade biscotti gifts "just cause"??). I don't get it, but I'm so hurt. I just wish I knew why, but maybe some things just weren't meant to be...