Sex God C6: Worth Dying For

C'mon, it's funny! :)I've started and stopped this blog entry a multitude of times... mainly because the subject matter of Chapter 6 is complicated and a bit of a hot button issue - in religious circles anyway. 

Submission in marriage.  Am I married?  Heck, no.  Will I be married someday?  We'll see.  Since most people DO get married, this is a valuable discussion topic!

Many Christian churches teach that, in marriage, women are to submit to their husbands.  People argue, get offended, get all riled up over this subject!  For me, I have never subscribed to the thought that men are "in charge" of a household.  I DO believe that it is VITAL that the patriarch of the family be a LEADER, however.  A family cannot be successful if the father is off cheating on his wife, yelling at his kids, or playing the part of a deadbeat.  I think we can all agree that the lack of Fatherhood has been devastating for many families and even entire communities in this country.  It's a Dime Store way of life..

I will sometimes hear rebuttals from pulpits on the female submission debate: I hear things like "In the end, the husband gets the final say," etc.  Well, ok.  (?)  The reasoning always sounded super-hollow to me.  I always felt that the preacher/pastor was grasping at straws a  bit.  You have to give me a good reason why the husband is more qualified to be Mr. Decision-maker than me.  Why can't we be partners, with mutual respect for each other's reasoning?

Chapter 6 in Sex God is the first time I've read this topic in a way that I can get behind.  Not that I agree with everything, but there are a lot of valuable insights to consider and work through.

Rob Bell starts off the chapter by writing how overwhelming it can be when we hear stories of incredible courage.... a friend giving his life to save his buddy, parents dying to save their children, firefighters and cops giving their lives to save complete strangers.  Universally, we tear up when we hear about these things.  It's the ultimate act of love.  People are worth dying for, according to Bell.

He then relates this principle to marriage.  He bases Chapter 6 on Ephesians 5:21+

"Submit to one another out of reverance to Christ.  Wives, to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Everyone is commanded to submit to each other in the church community.  Give of your time, your love, your hope, your help.  Women aren't commanded to do anything more than what's demanded of EVERYONE.  Men have the extra onus of being willing to die to themselves for their wife.

I do love when Bell talks about different couples he has counseled.  He says that in certain situations, the husband will be angry that his wife "just won't submit to me" or "who makes the final decisions when 'push comes to shove?'"  Bell wants to know, "Well, are YOU willing to die to yourself and submit to her?"  and "WHY has your relationship devolved into 'push comes to shove'?"

Here's something I really love from the chapter on this subject:

"In a marriage, you're talking about power and control only when something central to the whole relationship has fallen apart...I am my beloved's and my beloved's is mine." (p.118)

Bell also discusses how we, as women, can sometimes relate to others in a negative sexual way.  We all know we are more likely to get what we want by bartering our hearts and bodies.  Unfortunately, any American woman is well-aware of this.  Some of us are very careful to avoid this; some of us live our lives as a constant negotiation.  He talks about how sex can become about need, a search to fulfill something that is missing.

That's not what sex - in its happiest, most fulfilling form - is about.  Sex out of need or negotiation is never very satisfying, hopeful, or really all that fun.  (Some of you may disagree on that, of course!)  He brings up a good foundational life truth: If you value and love yourself, realizing your limitless value, it will affect every area of your life, especially your relationship with men.  Bell then moves on to encourage women to ask themselves many questions about their current relationship, mainly "Does he have liquid agape [love] running through his veins?" (p.125)

He gets a bit cheesy and says "When a woman is loved well, she opens like a flower." (p.125)  Cheesy, but telling. 

Weekly Practice:  I am going to be aware of submitting to those around me, while maintaining healthy consideration of myself... because submitting doesn't mean hurting yourself!

QUESTIONS:

• Does the word "submission" make you mad?  Why, exactly?
• Does your relationship involve power games?
• Does "push come to shove" in your relationship?
• What kind of person are you dating?  Does he/she serve, or are they waiting to be served?  What about you?
• Do you or your partner believe you are owed something?  Or are you both out to see what you can give?  Do you actively try to make the world, and your relationship, a better place?
• What do you and your partner expect of each other?  Do you expect agape love, or do you expect a roster of rules and "services"?
• Can you tell each other everything?  Do you feel safe?  Are you both trustworthy?
• Are you being loved well?  And are you loving well?

Comments

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Good post. "Submission" doesn't make me mad; I'm not religious, but I can half-way get behind the teachings this chapter discusses because I agree: a husband needs to be a leader. Not necessarily the boss, but definitely a respectable man, a decent husband and a role model for his children (if they have some).